The Rawpinions Weblog

Summer in Shanghai really bugs me sometimes.  The days are long, the weather’s hot and the air is humid.  Most of all, my hair goes wild.  It doesn’t matter what I do with my hair.  I hate straightening it (ever seen faux-straight hair?).

My hair’s growing too long now, so I really ought to get it cut soon…but they really overcharge me here in Shanghai: my hair is naturally wavy, so after cutting it and it curls a bit those retard hair dressers think they have “skillz”.  I need to go for hair treatment though, and that costs a bomb.  So I might just cut my own hair (keeping my fingers crossed) and then go to the hairdressers and get them to “perfect” the cut.

Going back to the DIY haircut thing, I really want to learn how to cut my own hair.  I found a lot of Youtube videos with these Youtubers claiming that they cut their own hair.  The fringe I had last year is no longer a fringe (it wasn’t working out as a fringe either).

I really don’t know what people do with wavy hair.  I wish I knew what to do with my wavy hair.  It’s times like this when I wish all my gay friends would just come out of the closet already because they seem to always have the answers.

Last year when my twin sister came to Shanghai, we decided to do what the Chinese do and buy those really cheap sheets of toilet paper (about 100+ sheets for less than 2 RMB). I’d show you a picture but I don’t have a pack in the house, and I’ll probably never buy one of those packs ever again. It’s like wiping your arse with rough, recycled paper (as opposed to soft, recycled toilet paper).

In Seychelles, everyone I know throws their used toilet paper in the toilet right before they flush. Before coming to China, I had never been taught to do it any other way. I don’t really know where the toilet paper here goes if it’s been flushed, but back home I heard that everything’s just disposed in the ocean (far away from the shore) or somewhere far, far away - I honestly don’t know.

It just hit me: isn’t paper biodegradable? So why should it matter where we throw toilet paper? Throwing it in a separate plastic bag increases its chances of being recycled (you never know?)…who’s crazy enough to use recycled toilet paper - especially those recycled from someone else’s household? Isn’t that just a bit crazy? “Recycled toilet paper” is recycled paper that’s made into toilet paper, and not literally reused toilet paper.

I don’t think I was thinking at all when I decided to follow the norm here. This is exactly why I hate listening to people - they lead you to do such stoopuhd things.

Those who are deep into conserving the environment should just use some sort of hypo-allergenic cloth that they can reuse or something.

I’ve been traumatized by the chest pains and other symptoms I was having just a week ago. I am now disturbingly 42.5Kg and no matter how hungry I become, I avoid eating enough to fill me up. I’m still on green tea, crackers, nuts, juice and supplements. This silly diet has got to end. I’m close to being underweight and that comes with its own bonus pack of nasty symptoms.

I need a hobby that gets me out for long periods on weekends. Maybe I should just travel out of Shanghai every weekend. Not only will that be adventurous, but it will also definitely keep me walking (and losing the calories).

A day or two after I saw a 43Kg on the scale, I weighed myself again and saw a jump to 45Kg (almost 46). Which was so weird because:

1 - I was exercising and burning the calories
2 - I was barely eating anything

I did that for 3 days and my weight remained the same. Ok, it made sense that the body maintains your weight for as long as it can when you’re starving yourself (basically, if body fat was money your body is an auto-budgeting system). But then I realized I was in the PMS phase of this month so I must have been retaining water.

I am now at 43.5Kg, I’m menstruating! It’s the time of the month when most women like me (if any):
- become more tolerant/patient with people’s attitudes,
- find corny jokes funny,
- are less argumentative
…and when most women in general could probably ace their math exam. (http://chronicle.com/free/v51/i26/26a00102.htm)

That said I’m still still experiencing the whole mild chest pain thing. Last night I woke up coughing and when I got up almost immediately to turn the heater’s rotary switch off I got so dizzy that I almost fell. Earlier today I felt a quick ‘tap’ on the right side of the right side of my head and then for a few seconds after that I had “blackspots” in my vision (sort of like if someone had just flashed a camera right in front of my eyes).

It’s a pretty scary thing to experience. I then started feeling this strange pressure in my head. My symptoms could very much be an panic attack (or anxiety attack). I’ve experienced a whole lot of panic attack symptoms. I also read online, that panic attacks can possibly mimic angina (and other conditions).

If this indeed is a panic attack, how can I know? If panic attacks causes symptoms common for other heart and circulatory diseases, how do you know it really is just a panic attack? I now feel a bit guilty, esp. because I have my name on the waiting list for an ultracardiogram. If all I have is just a panic attack, I’m making one person wait just a bit longer…and they probably shouldn’t. But then again, what if what I have isn’t an anxiety attack and is something really serious instead? Besides, the person on the waiting list after me could possibly be suffering from just a panic attack.

Dominique came on MSN Messenger today. It pretty much made my day when he said “Hi!”. My twin sister was telling me once, that Dominique just tends to ignore her when she’s online. LOL. So it was really nice to hear my baby brother initiate a conversation with me. I then told him to tell my mum about my visit to the hospital…and as usual, my mother gave me the “well, who isn’t sick?” routine. Apparently, she’s been suffering from chest pains too and instead of getting a doctor’s opinion, she’s decided to take 3 aspirins. And I thought that I was the pill popper of the family.

I just crunched a portion of my inner cheek - mon’n ganny gou with the Almond nuts. Yup, I’m still on a controlled diet…and I’m actually starting to like everything about it, including the lite crackers. I also have premium quality imported tuna in olive oil which costed quite a bit actually, and quality olives. I’m not really counting the days but I think it’s been about 5 days now since I started this extreme low-cholesterol, low-saturated fat, low-sugar diet. I can actually drink no-sugar green tea without cringing. What an achievement!

I feel a possible sore throat coming on, I feel that’s somehow related to the fact that I was out the whole day yesterday, in very crowded areas.

Oh…and before I submit this post, I’d like to publicly thank 3 of my friends who have constantly been checking up on me ever since I told them “I’m on my way to the hospital”. LOL. You three are all wonderful people. More than thanking though, I probably have to apologise to my twin sister who has become frustrated with all my symptoms. I’ve stressed her out and if I continue, she’d probably end up with some anxiety attack symptoms herself.

Went to Huashan hospital this morning, and was sent to the Cardiology department. I had a consultation with Dr. Sheng (盛长发). He then sent me to the X-Ray department. The doctor there told me to return for my results at 2pm so I went back to my room for a nap. At around 4pm, I got to the hospital and they said that my X-Ray’s “clear”.

I was a little confused, especially because they didn’t care to advise me on e.g. how to maintain a good diet, exercise regularly, etc. Most patients at the Cardiology department were old people. I suppose Dr. Sheng feels only old people are at risk of Coronary diseases? Before I left, he told me that people who should be worrying about their heart are old people, and fat people…and that I am neither fat nor old so I shouldn’t be worrying too much.

I must admit, I can’t believe a doctor would generalise to that extent.

I have another appointment in 2 weeks time, for an ultracardiogram. I can’t believe it’s such a long wait. I’m not really sure what an UCG is, but I can guess it’s that machine I had to go on when I was 10. Sort of like a prenatal ultrasound examination except a UCG examines the heart.

It’s definitely a scary thing, they can pretty much see a good outline of your heart and its contents. To make matters worse, the one I underwent a few years ago did hurt because they press that device hard against your chest.

The only medicine I got to day was 20 Fenbid (ibuprofen) pills! Quite funny, because according to tiscali.co.uk, Fenbid should be used with caution in:

- High blood pressure
- Chest pain caused by poor blood flow to the heart
- High cholesterol levels

Three things I’m probably suffering from. Strangely, Dr. Sheng didn’t even check my blood pressure. The problem with relatively old doctors is that they are relatively closed-minded.

I didn’t get a thorough check up but fortunately I only paid for the Fenbid (1.70 yuan) and for registration (about 7 yuan).

Barely ate much yesterday, I drank mainly fluids and literally a handful of dried oats. I weighed myself this morning and I’m about 0.2Kgs to 43Kgs in a span of 2 days. Apart from hypertension, palpitations can be due to high level of adrenaline (which is due to stress and anxiety) and even PMS (www.resonancedirect.com/bbs/34.html)!

My stress level goes way up during PMS. PMS not only kills my mood but aggravates my short-temper, leading to more stress at any slightly-frustrating situation.

I’m having a slice of bread right now for breakfast (I won’t be able to exercise without carbs in my system) and drinking a probiotic drink. I’ve completely lost my appetite, it’s very much a mental thing. I’m just determine to lose some KGs. Over the past months I’ve just been eating randomly at any time of day. It’s become more of a habit really, and the worst thing is the more you eat; the more you want to eat!

This diet isn’t half as bad as I thought it would be. You just have to focus on the popular “you are what you eat” quote and maintain your weight according to the right Body Mass Index (BMI).

Current Mood: Confused

After talking to my twin sister on the phone yesterday I’ve come to the conclusion that the palpitations could be due to or connected with hypertension. She scolded me about my diet and after trying to figure out if there could have possibly been a change in my diet over the past week it hit me: I bought 2 packs of eggs this past week, and I’m almost done with the second.

Ever since I was a kid I was warned not to eat more than one egg a day…but I never really knew why. Turns out, eggs have a very high cholesterol content and I’ve definitely been over-doing it.

The stress of knowing what I’ve done to myself is actually causing even more stress in my life. The best way to remedy the situation at this point is to eat health and to do aerobic exercises. I’m also going to cut down on food in general, and have a diet of oats, boiled vegetables, grape juice and…green tea (yuck).

I haven’t really mentioned this yet on this blog: I’ve been back on tea for about a month now. I’m going to have to cut back on that altogether.

I joked to my sister that it’s not my fault that I can “whip up a mean egg breakfast”, but jokes aside this is a very serious situation (if my self-diagnosis is correct). Hypertension and hypercholesterolaemia are serious and life-threatening conditions, and together they are literally a killer-combination.

It’s morning and I’ve skipped breakfast. I had some carbs last night and did a bit of speed-walking and a bit of jogging this morning.

I feel horribly guilty about what I’m putting my cardiovascular system and entire body through. I feel like my mind (and appetite) has betrayed the rest of me.

Before the personality disorder test earlier, I didn’t really know the difference between schizoid and schizotypal. The word histrionic was also new to me. My friends who took the test were also confused by the vocabulary so here are what the words mean:

Paranoid (paranoia): A mental state that includes unreasonable suspicions of people and situations. A person who is paranoid may be suspicious, hostile, feel very important, or may become extremely sensitive to rejection by others. - www.copingwithmentalillness.com

Schizoid: Socially isolated, withdrawn, having few friends and social relationships, resembling the personality features of schizophrenia, but in a less severe form; no loss of touch with reality. - www.indianpsychiatry.com

Schizotypal: Primarily characterized by peculiarities of thinking, odd beliefs, and eccentricities of appearance, behavior, interpersonal style, and thought. - www.psyweb.com

Antisocial: Diagnostic criteria for antisocial personality include a pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others and inability or unwillingness to conform to what are considered to be the norms of society. - www.medicinenet.com

Borderline: This term designates a defect in the maternal attachment bond to an over-concern with “other.” Many have affixed the term “as if” personalities to them, for they tend to subjugate or compromise themselves. They question their sense of existence, suffer from acute abandonment anxiety, persecutory anxiety, and tend to merge with others in very painful ways in order to get a sense of bonding. Under close scrutiny and under stress, they distort, misperceive, have poor impulse control, and turn suddenly against self and others to attack, blame, find fault, and get even worse. - www.joanlachkarphd.com

Histrionic: Characteristic of acting or a stage performance; often affected; “histrionic gestures”; “an attitude of melodramatic despair”; “a theatrical pose”. - wordnet.princeton.edu

Narcissistic: These individuals are dominated by omnipotence, grandiosity and exhibitionist features. They become strongly invested in others and thus experience them as self-objects. In order top preserve this “special” relationship with their self-objects )(others), they tend to withdraw or isolate themselves by concentrating on perfection and power. - www.joanlachkarphd.com

Avoidant: Characterized by hypersensitivity to potential or actual rejection and criticism, a strong need for uncritical acceptance, social withdrawal in spite of a desire for affection and acceptance, and low self-esteem. - medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com

Dependent: Characterized by a long-term pattern of passively allowing others to take responsibility for major areas of life, by a lack of self-confidence and independence, and of subordinating personal needs to the needs of others. - medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com

Obsessive-Compulsive: Anxiety disorder characterised by repeated intrusive thoughts and associated ritualised behaviours intended to alleviate that anxiety. - www.neuropharm.co.uk

Current Mood: Confused

I asked some of my friends to take the personality disorder test I took this morning and they had a majority of ‘lows’. None of them were high on the shcizos. I’m convinced I have a serious personality disorder. Last week I was talking to one of my online buddies who is in her 40s and has been through a lot in life. She believes in therapy, and told me that therapy is something I probably need.

It’s funny how ‘unique’ people can somehow use their ‘weirdness’ to benefit them in their lives. I used to think ‘unique’ and ‘personality disorder’ were synonymous. But I’m probably mistaken. There’s probably a difference between someone who’s unique in a correct way, and someone like me…who’s unique due to a personality (psychological) disorder.

Nevertheless, if I’m not a threat to myself and to others then I don’t need therapy. I’d probably be way too cynical and feel they’re not in a position to know how to ‘correct’ other people. I’m stubborn and uncooperative so therapy won’t work on me.

I’ve been feeling kind of lost and ‘withdrawn’ lately…a state of confusion due to all the stress I guess. So I Googled ‘how to find yourself’ and was presented with a list of results. One of which, was a personality disorder test. Here: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv

It’s obviously not 100% accurate but I though it’d be good to have a fair idea of what the test results would be like…

Paranoid: High
Schizoid: High
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Low
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

The results are quite surprising to me I guess. But I’d have to admit it’s most likely accurate if I were to be true to myself. I am a very paranoid person, I always have been. Scoring high on both schizoid and schizotypal is no surprise to me…I’m glad I scored low on ‘borderline’, LOL. I’m a bit surprised that I scored low on narcissistic though, especially because of all things, it’s one of my only two ‘lows’.

The big surprise for those who know me and are reading this, would be the ‘moderate’ score for antisocial, the ‘low’ for avoidant, and probably the ‘moderate’ for dependent. I’m pretty sure many people perceive me as highly antisocial, highly avoidant, and not quite dependent (low).

I have thought about this and I’m actually quite sociable. I like hanging out with people, I like getting to know everyone as much as I can. But I do enjoy hanging out on my own and doing something quiet. A friend (who’ll probably be reading this ) once told me that she can’t stand the awkward silence when she’s hanging out with a friend. I’m actually quite the opposite really, I feel comfortable with people who can hangout with me and not feel intimidated by the silence.

I’m also not as avoidant as many people think. 80% of the people who want to hangout with me tend to start their sentence with ‘I need a favour…’ or have something up their sleeves…I’m also busy with my own thing, and I don’t like spending time with people who’ll just use me for whatever. What can I say, I scored high on paranoid. I’m a very cynical person but I’m not avoidant. I’m always available to an awesome few.

As for dependency…believe it or not I am quite a dependent. If I’m not on my own, I usually feel the person I’m with is the boss, and should literally do everything for me. My twin sister and I joked about this before, we both agreed that if I was competing in The Apprentice, I’d definitely be fired by Donald Trump because I’d never step up to be project manager of a task. LOL. That aside, I’m actually quite capable of taking care of myself when I know there’s nobody else who’ll do it for me. So yeah, I’m not low on dependent, not high; just moderate.

I’m a little hungry now, it’s 5:47am and I’m off to get some breakfast. I’ve weighed myself and I’m at 45Kg (more or less). I’m going to have to lay low on the carbs, so I’ll have to find some meat & vegetables downstairs. I’m glad rice is still on the checklist though, it’s ’safe food’ as far as I’m concerned.